i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
nutella sex= disaster
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
