Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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