I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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