I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
