i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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