We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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