I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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