I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
