She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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