My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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