Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
