Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
