I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
