Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
