You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Two words: nipple clamps
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