quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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