I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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