i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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