I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
