I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
