I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
