how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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