the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I stole a fireplace last night.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
