i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
