Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
