I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
