Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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