she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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