this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
