Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
