Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
