I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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