does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
you never un-have a 4some
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
