I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
