I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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