I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
