Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
