she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
