I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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