I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
