so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
