after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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