I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
