Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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