i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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