If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
