I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
