So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
