this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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