Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
