you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
