Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
