i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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